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A Short Existential Journey

The current despair...

Well, let's start from the mid part and then move to the beginning and then again meet at the mid and end at the end. So the mid. Huh. The mid is not quite suitable for the mind. Mid plays with the base of building. It plays with the fundamental concepts which were indoctrinated earlier and made the concept of self and surroundings later. Obviously it is not something pleasurable.

What and How it happens?

Playing with the base of building and expecting it to be alright is absurd just like life and the ideologies which humans created and are following. So it affected me just like the imagined building. It affected severely. It destroyed the building somewhat and then there was need of creating it again which I perhaps did and is still in progress.

It starts from the questions. The most fundamental questions which are still unanswered. The beginning obviously. Why, How and What actually is this universe?

Well, There's a big bang theory which assumes the fundamental beginning and yet ignores it. What precedes the big bang? Well, there was no time before that. Tada. For how long though? Who knows?

Questions related to the cosmos are not something to be cared about. The actual beginning of the idea of creation that what could be, rather start from the curiosity underlying. What is it? Who is actually curious? Who am I? for getting an objective answer one needs to have the objective strength. Not the physical but the cognitive but what actually creates us is not something objective.

We are limited with the preceding part of us. The body limits us and the senses limit body. To actually know who "I" am. I got to understand what am I at present. What made this mind result into this. Well the experiences. The experiences created by senses which then dealt with memory and cognition. They are making the present me.

Sonuvabitch memory...

The memory is an important part. I don't remember the infant stage of my life because the concept of self was missing. All there was just id or the natural desires and the expressive conscious body. I wasn't there then how can I be sure that I am here.

The concept of self becomes really interesting but then you reach to the conclusion that there is no real self. It is just a concept which was indoctrinated. The name became signifier and the mirror stage provided the necessary imaginary self which assumed itself to be part of the society and people. If I am this, they are that then the common observation directly implies that I am part of that.

Indoctrination happens

They fed a new brain the ideology which they believed and thought to be true. Which is obviously not the case (the ideology being true). The concept of self developed. The memory and concept that I was, am and will became. Memory and self are deeply connected. But what is memory? Well, that's an interesting one.

There's something which precedes the concept of self. The experience. I am genuinely interested in the psychology of feral children. How a perfect brain is nothing but just matter and all that is, is ideology. So experience shapes the concepts.

What is experience? Well the senses and consciousness together producing something. I always wonder what magnetoreception feels like.

I would like to perceive the world same as a bat and an ant does. The preceding body limits it. The brain and senses. So the answer lies in the material world. Not really.

Everything absurd?

Let's jump into the philosophy. What's the point of it all? See, the observational journey implied that it is just matter. The consumption and defacation of matter. That's what we do our whole life basically, right? You may disagree that material level is not the only level. The material level suggests that an organism is nothing but DNA's way of creating more DNA. Biologist Wilson proposed that idea. It seems true actually.

Where was "I" in this whole journey? It was present only on metaphysical level. The physical world cannot express "I". The roots are in ideology. Actually there is no "I". These are just processes working together and providing a sense of self.

Now, what creates psychological problems are the extreme levels of something. It creates disturbance at the cognitive level. Which can be seen as an evidence that a person was never actually there. If he/she was there then it'd have never changed. And if it did change there should be not he/she actually. Self is just like any other concept but is deeply connected with the physical brain. Which creates a difference. The body has created something which can help it survive.

Nature...

The evolution played the grand role in it. From the primary organism to such well developed organism. Interesting it is to see, right? The intelligence led to all the past that humans created. From hunter gatherers to settling down at one place. Having enough time to look at nature and creation of language and the curiosity leading to know nature more. The ideologies developing. Birth of gods and every other progressive step. For what? The survival of body, right?

I see ants carrying food, dogs looking for food, monkeys and all the birds and animals living. For what? They don't have any ideologies to sustain their life. They don't need any. Because everything happened naturally and the survival is also natural for them. Let's look at the meaning of life for a bacteria. For what? Bacteria needs no meaning. All that's happening is process. The metabolic activity. For us it is not just about survival. It was but not now. We have made a whole another level in story. With that, the intellectual ability is striving for freedom.

The customs are not supposed to be restricting it. The chaotic freedom of thought destroys the concepts of belief. The faith and there is questioning and new beginning. Every ideology seems absurd. There is no me. All that is, is body. "Me" is an illusion. Why should this concept of self suffer for the body? There is no valid reason. Because all that is will never be again. Camus said rightly. “Man is always prey to his truths. Once he has admitted them, he cannot free himself from them.”

Dilemma...

The truth is that life at whole is absurd and we have made this process a lot more unhealthy and complex. Nay, life is the best idea that can be. The suffering and pleasure both are momentary and absurd. The civilization at whole is absurd. These chemical processes have made a chaos out of entropy. The less entropy has resulted into more chaotic world. So, if that's right then following the norms seems absurd too.

Conclusion...

Freedom is what I want. From these emotional relations and people. This concept of self wants to dive into the freedom. Wants no obligations and responsibilities. Born free and will remain free. Free from ideologies. It will create and destroy itself. Doesn't want to be dependent. The life I have accepted and the death too.


THE FREEDOM IS NOW WHAT I STRIVE FOR!!